Losing 40 pounds has not been an easy feat. Restricting my diet, exercising every free evening and sometimes twice every weekend, and counting calories has resulted in some amazing physical changes. But one thing you don’t think about when you start a fitness journey is the mental/emotional aspect.   Yes, your body is changing, but that doesn’t mean that your brain and heart follow…

Even though I know the numbers on my clothes have gone down, and I know that the scale has gone down, when I look in the mirror, I still see that bigger girl who was there when I began this journey in October. She is not only what I see, often she gets into my head as well.

Recently I did a 5K with my trainer. It was a miserable rainy day for a 5K, and somewhere in the middle of it, I kinda gave up, The next day I realized that somewhere in the back of my head the old me was saying “You’re crazy, you can’t do this” and I let her get to me. Yes, there were parts of that course that were safer to walk due to mud or congestion, but I should have ran more, and I know I could have, but for some reason she got to me, and I don’t know if it was fear of success or what, but I didn’t push it.. I feel like I not only let myself down, but my trainer as well…

During the 5K, my trainer asked me how I felt when I saw someone bigger than me, and that question kinda stuck with me . A big part of me still sees myself as that big girl out there pushing herself for some insane reason, and that part of me is sure that she is who other people see when they see me.  Another part of me applauds anyone who is out there pushing themselves to get healthier, and wants to tell them – you can do it look at me, I did – it’s not easy, it takes a lot of work and dedication but you are on the right track! A small part of me says woo hoo, that’s not you anymore, but that part is very small and is probably the littlest part of what I say and what I think.

I also can’t seem to buy clothes that fit my new body. I gravitate towards clothes that cover me up, or as my daughter says “look like a sack”.   But I just don’t see myself as someone who can wear something else. Yes, I do have clothes that fit, but with very few exceptions, they are not form fitting, and my daughter is probably right, not flattering.

It dawned on me this week, that when I am working out, I hear the words “Eyes on you” directed to me at least three times a workout. And it also dawned on my why I hear it, I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror, so my eyes are looking down all of the time – I don’t want to see that girl in the mirror looking back at me, all I see is the old me, and I don’t like looking at her.

She doesn’t like getting her picture taken either. Or standing up straight. In fact that girl in my head would rather you didn’t notice her at all. I am constantly getting told to stand up straight – not just in pictures, but in general. And please don’t compliment her, she doesn’t know how to take it. I am not used to getting compliments, so I am never quite sure what to say or how to react. Usually some self deprecating statement or I just stand there like an idiot, I really need to learn how to take a compliment, sounds crazy but it’s not an easy thing for me…

I wish I could get past the insecurity of being heavy, and I am trying. Being able to buy smaller sizes helps, looking at the pile of plus size clothes in my room that I need to get rid of helps, but there is still a little part of me that thinks “Maybe you shouldn’t get rid of them, what if you gain it all back?”

I never expected that a physical change would require an emotional and mental readjustment. I am not sure how to handle it, or what to do to silence the girl inside my head, but as with the rest of this journey, I am sure I will sort it out, and eventually the outside me and the inside me will come to some sort of understanding, and maybe even get along. Until then, I am just going to have to try to shut the negative bitch in my head up until she can get on board with the rest of me.