Healthy Happy and Sweaty

Sorry I’m a week late – so many things going on, and to be honest, while I know what I want to tell you all about, sometimes thinking about how to organize them doesn’t always work. But today, I was reminded of an anniversary and this post just kinda came to me. It’s about one coping mechanism I found that did not work, in fact, it made things a lot worse.

Hi, I’m Karin, and I’m an alcoholic.

There, I said it. As publicly as I can. The journey to this admission has been a long one, but now that I am here, I know it’s the honest truth. Today marks 7 months since I have had a drink, and while it’s getting easier, it’s still not easy.

So…let’s start at the beginning- alcohol has always been a part of my life. Always. As long as I can remember there has been alcohol involved. I remember at carrying one grandpas glass to the other grandpa who was pouring drinks and drinking the watered down liquid in the bottom of the glass from as early as 4 or 5. By around age 8, I could pour you a beer from the bottle into the glass with a perfect head on it. None of this was wrong or bad, and I’m not being critical of anyone, it’s just the way it was.

I did the normal drinking in high school and adulthood, and had I not turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism after the fires, I may have never developed a full blown problem. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t an alcoholic, just means alcoholism wasn’t problematic for me at that point. So, we will start the story there.

My best friend at the time greeted me with 2 bottles of wine, a wine glass and a corkscrew and said “You’re gonna need this” when she met me at Target the day after the fires. We proceeded to get necessities at Target and then I drove to the hotel my husband and I were staying at, and drank a whole bottle. That became a nightly habit – drinking at least a bottle of wine, if not more, every day, in an effort to numb all the bullshit I didn’t want to deal with.

Side note – just to be clear, this friend was in no way saying drink a bottle of wine everyday, and I am not blaming her – don’t want anything to be misconstrued.

Most days it was fine, others I was a mess. Unfortunately, the messy days were usually when I was out – parties, weddings, nights out with friends…it wasn’t pretty. There are nights I wish I remembered more of, and some I wish I could take back. But such is life.

October of 2018 was when it all came crashing down around me…I had made it through the one year anniversary of the fires by escaping with friends to Disneyland, so that was not the catalyst- however a week or so later, the crazy winds were back, and PG&E shut off our power due to high fire danger… that was it. I snapped. And I mean snapped.

My husband came out of the bedroom to find me screaming incoherently at a poor customer service rep at PG&E who just happened to have the misfortune of working that night and answering the phone. I was screaming and crying and asking them why they hadn’t turned off the power the night we lost everything, telling this poor person that it was too little too late and I was not going to be happy until I had the president and CEO of PG&E on the phone or my power back on. For the record, we have a backup generator system at our house because the power goes off a lot where we live, so I had power…yes, I was a crazy drunk lady that night. (Background for those of you who may not be familiar with the Tubbs Fire – PG&E was believed to be responsible for the fire at the time of my meltdown)

My husband hung up my phone and I collapsed on my kitchen floor. I was hysterical. He picked me up plopped me on the couch and turned on The Godfather (my favorite movie) for me, and told me to stay there and try to sleep and that the wine wasn’t helping. I let him go back to bed, then got up and finished the bottle of wine I had opened.

I finally slept, after multiple texts with friends and trying to text my therapist, but woke up the next day knowing something had to change. I couldn’t keep going on like this. Friends had been asking me for months if I had a problem with alcohol and I always said no, my therapist would ask the same question and I would always say no. Well looking in the recycling bin that Monday morning and finding an empty cider bottle and 3 (yes, 3 not a typo) empty bottles of wine said otherwise.

I reached out to my therapist Monday and asked what he thought about me going to an AA meeting. He said he thought it was an appropriate response.

I downloaded the AA Meeting finder app, and decided to go to a meeting on Tuesday night instead of working out. I didn’t tell my husband, I was ashamed of myself and worried I wouldn’t be able to maintain not drinking and didn’t want to disappoint him. I told my best friend, and called her from the parking lot before the meeting for the courage I needed to walk in. That meeting was awful. I mean I am sure they are all nice people but it just wasn’t for me. I went home and drank a bottle of wine and decided to try again Thursday.

The Thursday meeting was much better, the people were friendly and welcoming, and it felt much better. I still went home and drank a bottle of wine. But I left there thinking I could do it. I decided that if I could quit smoking cold turkey I could do the same with drinking. I just had to pick a day and stick with it. I told my husband and my best friend as I knew I was going to need their support, and picked the next Monday as the day I was going to start.

There was a wedding for a friend that weekend, and once again, I don’t remember the drive home (I wasn’t driving just to be clear). I think I drank 2 bottles of wine on Sunday, but Monday came and I was determined.

So here we are, 7 months later and so far so good. I was going to AA meetings for the first few months, and while it is an amazing program, it just wasn’t for me. I will never criticize it, it just wasn’t my scene. I met some wonderful people who I know are there if I need them, but overall it just wasn’t for me. If I feel myself slipping, I will go back, and don’t get me wrong, I find myself mentally chanting the serenity prayer on a regular basis when I want a glass of wine or to rip someone a new one.

Not drinking has changed a lot of things in my life. I have lost friends, which tells me they weren’t really friends in the first place, which really sucks and really hurts. Another change is that I have to deal with shit when I feel something and that is both a blessing and a curse. I remember fun times now. The flip side of that is that I have to deal with bad times, like the sudden passing of both of my grandmothers in a 3 month period of time. I can’t just get drunk and pass out when it’s windy now or when I am internally freaking out, which is a lot.

So how do I cope now? My therapist recommended CBD to help with the anxiety, so I have oil at home and keep gummies with me at all times and it does help with the anxiety. I drink a lot of herbal tea too, it helps me sleep. And no, this doesn’t mean that I get stoned now instead of drunk, I use pure CBD with no THC, so I am not getting stoned. I mean I could, it is California after all and it is more widely accepted than cigarettes here 😉

I also have been using a lot of distraction to cope too. Meditation apps, classical music, games on my phone – they all help calm me down and/or keep me focused.

I’ve also instituted a new personal policy, and yeah, kiss my ass if you don’t like it 😉 if someone says or does something, intentional or not, that upsets me, I will wait 24 hours. If I am still upset then, I am going to say something. Too old and too tired of the bs to do anything else. You figure out quickly who cares and who doesn’t with this method it really helps to narrow things down.

This method isn’t just for negative things either. I am making a point of telling people how much I appreciate their words and actions too, I don’t think enough people do that. And it’s important to let people know when the little things they do touch your heart.

Writing again is also helping. It has always been a way for me to get my feelings out, putting them into words somehow gets part of it off of my chest so to speak. I have always written, and even now will write letters or emails to people when I want to tell them how I feel. This space is another arena for me to do that in, albeit to the whole world (yikes!). But for whatever reason, I do find it therapeutic.

Another side effect of not drinking is that I cry. A lot. Over anything, guess I was overly sensitive this whole time – who knew? When I say I cry all the time, I am trying not to cry as I type this while getting a pedicure…I cry all the time.

My take away from this is this – alcohol does not solve problems, it just masks them and hides them. It is not a long term solution to any problem. For me, it’s down right dangerous, both physically and mentally. Dealing with shit sucks sometimes, I’m not going to lie or sugar coat it – every day is still a struggle. I am still depressed, I still have PTSD induced recurring nightmares and still want to go home and have a glass of wine with dinner at night. But I’m not drinking and that’s what’s important.

I have to tell you all, if it weren’t for my amazingly supportive husband, daughters and parents, I would have in no way, shape or form made it through not only these last 7 months but the last 19 months. I love that when I asked my girls and husband if it was ok for me to publish this, I got a resounding yes. My youngest even said she’s proud of me, damn now I’m crying again…

So I guess if I were still in AA, I would call this my public amends, to everyone in my life – sorry for being a stupid, drunk, crazy mess. I know it, I own and I am moving forward. Now I am a crazy, sober, crying person searching for new friends (they have to be out there) to compliment the old ones who are amazing and who have stuck around and supported me, buying stock in Kleenex for all the crying, and putting one foot in front of the other every day, just trying to get through.

Until next time…

Xoxo

I wrote this post on February 28, 2018, and was told by a friend to NOT publish it. This was one of my lowest days ever, it was a day I had a total meltdown, something I hadn’t previously allowed myself to do. I think it’s important to share it now so that you get an idea of how low I was when I started down my current path of getting my mental health in line with my physical health. So, sorry (former) friend, I disagree, and I am going to share this. In order to understand how far I have come, you have to know where I started…

So here they are – my thoughts from February 28, 2018:

Today is the day I had a meltdown. Today is the day that I couldn’t stop crying and had to leave work.  Today is the day that I finally I had to admit that the f*$#@^g Tubbs fire messed with me more than I ever cared to admit. Today is the that I finally admitted to my best friend that just how exhausted both physically and mentally I am. Today is the day that I confessed that always being the positive, happy, upbeat me is taking its toll because that’s not how I am feeling inside lately, and putting on act gets tiring. Today is the day that I finally told my trainer that my recent weight gain is because I have been making bad choices. Today is the day that I finally had to admit to myself that I am human and need help or I’m going keep on this downward spiral and the end result is not going to be good.

Flashback to October 8th, 2017 – ran a half marathon with a cousin in the morning, got home rushed out to a CPR class, went to the grocery store, meal prepped, did my laundry and collapsed into bed and was out like a light by 9:30. That was the last normal day I have had.

At 2:11 am on October 9th, 2017 someone banged on our door yelling “Fire, get out”. My husband and I had smelled the smoke, but didn’t think too much of it because you can smell smoke from miles away. When we looked outside and realized the fire was less than a mile from our door, we went on auto pilot. We grabbed what we could, made a plan for where to meet – Plan A and Plan B – and realized how many phone calls, text messages, and Facebook messages we had missed while we were both fast asleep. It had been about 15 minutes when my normally calm, quiet husband grabbed my shoulders as I was running back in and said “We have to go, and we have to go now.” That scared me into leaving.

Of course plans never work out the way you think they are going to and we got separated. The police officer at the end of our street who told me I couldn’t turn left to go to Plan A meeting place was gone when my husband got there, so we were separated. Add to that he then needed to evacuate his parents (Plan A stop) and their dog while I was on the other side of town at Plan B meeting place. We decided to meet at our oldest daughters home about 10 miles south, but then I ended up sitting at a non working gas station for 3 hours because my car said I had zero miles to go and I had to wait until the working gas station across the street didn’t have a line. We were separated from about 2:30 am until 9:30 am when I was finally able to get to our daughters home. All the while we didn’t know if we had a home to go back to, but were fairly positive that there was no way it could have survived. The fire was just too close and the winds were just too strong.

The whole time I was waiting in my car until I could get gas, my phone was blowing up. Between text messages with both of our daughters (our youngest is in LA) and friends, and phone calls from family, and seeing the true devastation of this horrible fire through friends postings on Facebook, it was non stop. I couldn’t get in touch with my parents, and neither could anyone else, but I had talked to my dad just before we left our house, so I knew they were safe. But every aunt and uncle, and multiple cousins from all over the damn country were calling me to check on them. What is shocking to me now in hindsight is that while most also asked me how we were and were concerned about us as well, there were a few that never asked about us, and who even after the fires, after they know that we had lost everything have never reached out to me again (Making mental note to delete them all on Facebook as soon as I post this…) I know it sounds petty, but come on people, you all know I would be there for you with whatever you needed.

My husband couldn’t take it anymore and had to go see if the house had made it. His brother came to take my in laws home and I stayed with our daughter, her fiance and her grandmother while he went to check. At the end of the day, our worst fears had come true, our home was gone. All of our memories of our daughters growing up, the pictures of the vacations we had taken, stupid things like the stuffed gorilla we named Dumbass that my husband bought me after I fell and cracked my head open, the shot glasses and magnets we got from places we went – every little thing that we didn’t have time to throw in the car – they were all gone. Just gone.

I kept saying “my people are good and that’s what matters”. I was still the central point of communication for my family as my parents had no phones at the house, no power and cell towers were down so they could only drive out to get service and were keeping my abreast of the situation for the first couple of days. I was the first one to work on Tuesday morning, because what was I going to do at my daughters house? Watch another day of news reports? I counted my husband and I among the lucky ones – it was just us at home, no kids, no pets. Hell, I was even able to grab my laundry basket full of clean clothes because I was too damn tired to put them away on Sunday. We were in the process of renovating my grandmothers house, as she had to move into assisted living in the fall of 2016, so we knew where we were going. We had renters insurance, yes we were under insured, but still we were better off than so many people I had heard from and about.

And then the outpouring of love from friends and family came in. We were overwhelmed in the best way. From the cousin who set up a go fund me, to the friends who sent Christmas ornaments and gift cards, our faith in humanity was restored. I really thought that we were truly lucky, and on paper we are. I never let myself be sad or upset or have the well deserved meltdown that I needed to have.

Well, until today. Why today? I couldn’t even begin to tell you. Because I have to drive through fire ravaged neighborhoods on my way to work every day and there is no way to get around it? Maybe. Because I feel like since that night I have no control over anything and that it could all be taken away again in an instant? Maybe. Because while on paper we may be the lucky ones but in reality it really sucks and I miss my material things and my photos and something this morning that I can’t even put my finger on that I was missing made me sad? Maybe.  Because I am physically and emotionally and mentally drained? Maybe. Because I have to face the reality that I am human, and I am hurting and that this all really really really really sucks? Maybe.

While I don’t know why today is the day I finally hit my wall and had my meltdown, I know that it is. So I am going to allow myself this day to have my pity party, be sad, cry all I want and I am going to have my meltdown and not apologize for it – except to my amazing co-workers who are so supportive and wonderful and didn’t need to see a meltdown happen in front of their eyes this morning. I have made calls, I am waiting to hear back for an appointment with a highly recommended therapist and I am going to move past this. I am going to come out stronger in the end.

But today I get to be sad, and I am sure there will be more times when I am sad, I just hope that I can find the tools to deal with it. Tomorrow it’s back on track – back to daily food journals, back to a no excuses lifestyle, back to being the person I have worked so hard to be. Today is the day I get to be sad. Today is the day I ask for help so that I can get back to the person I know I am in inside. Today is the day that it has to change…for my own sanity and health and well being if nothing else. Today is the day….

Flash forward to May 2019. There have been a lot of bad days, and I have let myself have them. I have learned a lot about myself and other people, and am constantly working on getting better. Besides the fire there have been so many changes in my life, some good, some heartbreaking…but I’m still here, one foot in front of the other. I want to be honest with my story, for all 2 readers out there lol (Hi Mom), and starting at the beginning, at one of my lowest points seems the most logical to me. Will every post be this depressing? No. Will some? Maybe. Reading this again still brings me to tears.

Anyway…now that we have laid the groundwork for where the story starts, the only way to move is forward.

Until next week, xoxo

So, we are going to be taking a little detour here at Healthy, Happy and Sweaty …

First of all, thanks for reading! I can’t believe it has been so long since I last posted anything, my life has been crazy since I last posted, which is what I wanna talk to you about today a little bit.

While I am still focused on maintaining my weight loss, meal prepping and inspiring and encouraging others to do the same, and plan on still posting recipes and tips and my thoughts on those topics and my journey, I am going to post a series of posts about some not so fun topics too.

See, since I last posted here, my entire life has changed…no joke – the only things that have remained the same are my immediate family – hubby, kids and parents – and going to Sweatmood. Nothing else in my life is the same. I started a fantastic new job in November 2016. My family and I lost everything in the Tubbs Fire that devastated both our hometown of Calistoga and the city we called home at the time, Santa Rosa in October 2017.

Losing everything has been the biggest change, and it has had the biggest impact on my life – and not in a good way. I find my self battling depression and PTSD and dealing with the personal repercussions of what depression and PTSD do to your life.

I have learned a lot, and am still learning and healing and trying to live, love and rebuild all while working, trying to keep the physical health I have fought so hard for and not completely lose it. There are days I am barely hanging on, but I put one foot in front of the other and somehow keep going…

Why am I sharing this now, eighteen months after the fire? Well, writing for me has always been therapeutic, so that’s a big part of it. But there’s more to it – if I am going through this, I am sure others are too and if maybe one person feels a little less alone then maybe I can help them. I have also learned a lot, and maybe what I have learned can help others as well. And if I can help one person, then telling my story is worth it.

And part of being Healthy, Happy and Sweaty has to include mental health as well, right? And so often we all ignore our mental well-being.

So there you have it, buckle up and hold on tight, cuz here we go….

Seriously? Where has the time gone? I can not believe that it has been a year since I started this phase of my weight loss transformation, fitness journey what ever you want to call it. There are so many thoughts going through my head right now, I don’t even know where to begin!

So to quote one of my favorite musicals, let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Just over two years ago, I joined A gym , and took the first step towards getting myself healthy. Coincidentally, Oct 12th marks two years since one of the trainers started, and she posted this lovely picture on Facebook this morning. Yes, I cropped it to just show me, but that was me Oct 12th 2014. Yes, I was the biggest one in the class, but dammit I was there and doing something about it.

Me – Oct 12 2014

I worked out for a year, and made some impressive strides in my journey to being a new me. But last year, Oct 12th 2015 marked the beginning of this stage of my journey. Weighing in at 202.4, determined to change, determined to get to my goal weight of 150, and scared to death that I would fail yet again.

I have busted my ass this last year. Worked out 4-6 times a week whenever possible, stuck to my meal prep and calorie counting, and dammit – I HAVE SUCCEEDED. But wow, the lessons learned, emotions  and crazy thoughts going through my head  – so here we go! Just the honest truth, the good, the bad and the ugly!

One of the hardest things I have learned from this is that not everyone will be happy for you. And honestly, that kinda sucks. When you change your lifestyle and people around you do not, it isn’t always pretty. People don’t always understand what you are doing, and how they deal with it isn’t always nice. I have been told that I spend too much time at the gym, had my food choices mocked, been asked how much more weight I could possibly want to lose and flat out told that I would never accomplish my goals and that since I was crazy for trying, why bother. It sounds silly, but realizing that people ridicule what they don’t understand, and act out when they are jealous is not a reflection of me but more of a reflection of them is kind of a shocking realization to come to. Fortunately, these people are the minority, doesn’t mean that they haven’t gotten under my skin, just means that I now see their insecurities for what they are, and have continued to live my life on my terms, flipping a figurative middle finger at the lot of them, and loving proving them wrong.

A good thing that I have learned is that I CAN do anything I set my mind to. I had a goal, I worked hard and I reached it. If I can do that with my health and fitness, what else can I apply it to and succeed where I never thought I could? Do you know how many windows that opens? Really, the possibility of what a human being can do is endless! I am so looking forward to what the future holds. Not just on a fitness and health level but on a personal and professional level as well.

Two years apart – lots of blood, sweat and tears to get here! 

Emotionally there have been so many highs – finally breaking that 3 hour mark and setting a PR in the Santa Rosa Half Marathon, reaching my goal weight and maintaining it since August, and most importantly the sense of gratitude that has come to define my life and relationships. I could have never done all of this without the support of the people in my life – from my husband, daughters, parents and extended family, to my amazing trainers and friends, the unconditional love and support has been so important. Realizing that there are people who have your back and want nothing but to lift you up and see you succeed, with no thought of what your success could mean to them, is such an incredible feeling. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by that kind of love and friendship, and these people have been there to lift me through all the hard times and to celebrate all of the successes as well. My people are amazing, and I am so grateful to have all of them in my life.

There have been lows too, don’t get me wrong! From my inner fat chick messing with my head and telling me I can’t do things, to not losing the weight as fast as I wanted to, and gaining seven pounds during a Disneyland trip to name a few – this journey has not always been easy. But I am learning to deal with these kinds of things. My inner fat chick is the worst, she still messes with me and makes me question whether or not I can do things, I am learning not to listen to her – she is the old me, and I can’t let her interfere with the new me. Not losing the weight as fast as I wanted has been very difficult – but I have learned to trust the process and be patient, it happened, just not as quickly as I wanted, and I do have to say that I am proud of myself for not letting the discouragement get the best of me. Gaining weight at Disneyland was an easy lesson to learn – don’t eat crap and think it’s not gonna catch up with you!

So where do I go from here? Is my fitness journey over? Not by a long shot – there is still so much I want to do! I want to maintain my weight which is a tangible measurement of where I have come, but there are other less tangible things I want to accomplish. For instance,  I still can’t do a push up on my toes and I really want to master that dammit, and I want my abs to not look so squishy, I also took my first yoga class this week and I really want to be able to do it well and not feel like an uncoordinated moose!

Another thing I would like to do, and I am still not sure how to do it, is to help others have the success I have had. I am a firm believer that success should be shared, and while I know that I don’t want to be a trainer, I do want to help people achieve their goals by sharing what have been my keys to success. I am not sure what that will look like, but it is coming in some way, shape or form.

So stay tuned my friends, because this party is just getting started!

XOXO,

Karin

Ok, so we have established that I suck at writing on a regular basis. I really want to, and I have all sorts of ideas, but time, sleep, gym etc all get in the way of me actually sitting down and writing. So, sorry about that! 

BUT I finally did it! About a month ago, I finally hit my goal weight of 150!!! It has not been easy, it took longer than I had hoped, but at the end of the day – I FREAKIN DID IT!!!!!

So what now, what’s next? Maintaining, building my strength, setting new goals for myself, that’s what! So far I have maintained my weight, going between 150 and 153, which is just fine. Building strength is still a work in progress after the stupid car accident, but I am working on it! 
But what about new goals? Once you hit that number on the scale, what other goals are there? Well, some are physical and some are emotional/mental ones. 

Physical are pretty easy to define – I want to build my core strength so that I can finally do push ups on my toes, I want to build my arm/shoulder/neck strength back up to where it was before the accident so I can lift heavy again, I want to be able to balance on the bosu ball and get faster times in races. Physical goals are a lot easier to define than the mental/emotional ones. 

No one can prepare you for the emotional side effects of a weight loss journey. People see you and say you look great and you must feel great, and really for the most part I do. But when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t see what they see, I still see an overweight me looking back. I still feel like the “fat friend”. 

So these are my other goals, to look in the mirror and see the new me, and to have the confidence in myself that I should have. I am proud of the number on the scale and the smaller number on my clothing sizes, but I don’t see that. Inside me is still obese, and scared to put on a bathing suit in public. I am working on it, and hope to get there someday, but I know it’s going to take time. 

I have worked so hard to get here, and the logical side of me knows that everything is fine. The emotional side of me doesn’t get it yet, I still see the flaws…the abs that aren’t perfect, the arms that are still a little soft, the nonexistent butt no matter how many squats I do…I need to get over all of that and celebrate the new me, but it’s hard. 

 My trainer and I were talking about it, I said maybe I just need to constantly stare at my before and after pictures, because the evidence is right there in front of me. So yeah, take pics so you can compare – it’s worth it. 

I guess on that note, I should leave you with a before and after pic right? This one amazes me every time I see it, so enjoy! 

Xoxo,

Karin 

These last two months have been rough, not having hit my goal weight STILL and having modified workouts because of stupid people have really taken their toll on my brain, heart, spirit and motivation. So today, I am trying to focus on all of the positive things that are still happening, in an effort to get my own head back on straight and stay on this path that I am almost at the end of! No, not the end of – the end of this weight LOSS path perhaps, but once I hit the end of that path, it will be time to take new fork in the road, one of maintaining my weight, building strength – both physical and mental – and continuing to challenge myself.  And if I can inspire someone else to make the commitment to themselves, well then that’s even better.

So these last 5 pounds are pissing me off, and I need to remember the non-scale victories that are out there – for instance, I no longer have to wear a suit of armor for a sports bra! Just a plain old boring normal sports bra now. And those stairs that kicked my ass two years ago, well I kicked theirs this time!

I have also FINALLY been cleared to start introducing more exercises back into my work out -started with planks last week, going to try burpees, mountain climbers and other exercises that use a tire, next week push-ups and you get the idea.

Per my doctor, this could be an injury that never goes away, it could be something that I have to deal with the rest of my life. What a literal pain in the neck! But I am making the decision that I will not let it get the best of me, I will do everything I can to ignore it, and just listen to my body. If I am having a sore day, I won’t do something to exacerbate the problem, but I can’t let the split second decision of one stupid person change my life forever. She has already screwed up the last two months, I can’t give her anymore of my time.

Another thing that has been difficult to deal with are all the saboteurs in the world, the people who just don’t get it, and will not support you for whatever reason. Some people say the haters are jealous, and maybe that’s the whole problem. Maybe it is, but I can’t let them get to me, the skin is growing thicker over here, and proving people wrong is a good motivator. Accepting that people are either jealous or just negative isn’t easy, I tend to be a positive person, always looking for the bright side, and I just don’t get that kind of behavior. To quote Taylor Swift: And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, I shake it off, I shake it off.

There have been a few things that have been helping me keep my head up through everything though. One is looking at far how I have come. I look at pictures of my progression and shock myself! I refuse to let myself go back to where I was, it is not going to happen and I looking at the comparison is really a strong motivator! I have come so far, I can’t let the haters and stupid people or the scale get me down!

That my friends is progress, whether the scale is where I want it to be or not.

Another key thing that has helped me has been having an incredible support system made up of incredible family and friends who cheer me on every step of the way! Really, I can’t stress how important this has been. Knowing that if I have a rough day that there are people I can talk to, that my husband is waiting when I get home at the end of the day, that I have girlfriends who I can just relax and be myself with, no matter who I am that day is invaluable. You honestly can not put a price on how much that is worth.

So yes, this journey is not an easy one, and getting frustrated and giving up would be much easier than plugging along and working towards my goals. Dealing with people who want to see you fail sucks, but I have to believe in myself and believe that I am better than that. I am trying to focus on the positive, I am trying to look at all of the good things that this journey has brought me, and to keep looking ahead to all of the good things that are going to come my way.

And trust me, when I hit that goal weight, there is going to be a party! Because I have earned it, through sweat, tears, discipline and tenacity. So stay tuned, it’s coming, and it’s coming soon!

Ever just have one of those days where you just feel frustrated? You can’t even put your finger on one particular thing, but everything little thingis adding up to major frustration? Welcome to my world today…

I still haven’t hit my goal weight, I have only lost 4 pounds in the past two and a half months. Yes, hitting a plateau is normal, but I am tired of hitting this brick wall. I have been within the same half pound for the last month, going to try changing my calorie intake, and hopefully that will work, but I think the modified workouts from the accident may be part of the problem too, and I can’t do anything about that yet.

And that’s another thing, being injured because some idiot was texting while driving really pisses me off. This is not my fault, but I am the one paying the price. I am so worried that all of the progress I have made will go away, so far I haven’t gained any weight back, but what about muscle tone and baby steps I have made on doing push ups and planks? Will my arms get flabby again because I can’t lift the weights I was lifting? Crap! Add dealing with idiotic insurance adjusters to the mix, and the whole situation just pisses me off! The girl that hit me pulled into the gym parking lot one night to pick up a pizza next door, she was lucky and I stayed inside the gym until she was gone, the way I feel today, if I saw her, she might not get off as easy…

I wish those were the only things that were bothering me, the weight I can work on, the injury I can’t control, I can  only listen to my doctor’s, physical therapists, chiropractor and my body. I can rationalize those things, but it still is frustrating.

Overall, today is just a day to be frustrated. I need to take a few deep breaths, take a walk at lunchtime, and take all of my frustration out on the gym floor tonight. There are some things I can change, some I can’t and some I am just gonna have to learn to live with. And adopt this as my new motto. 

And sometimes, you just need to write it all out to get it out of your head… Thanks for letting me publicly vent…

So this week has been frustrating the crap out of me. Not being able to do my normal workouts because of my shoulder injury, feeling like I am not going to ever hit my weight loss goal especially if I can’t do my full workouts, dealing with insurance adjusters and doctors, being in pain because some stupid person was texting instead of paying attention when she was driving, work, life in general- you name it, it has all added up to a very frustrating week.

It hit my really hard during my workout on Tuesday. I was so over squats and lunges instead of burpees and weights, that I actually stopped working out and video taped part of the circuit. Over it, done and really irritated – that would be the way to describe my attitude that day.

I left the gym and went to the grocery store to get milk. Well, milk was the plan anyway. I ended up coming out of the store with a quart of non fat milk, a 16 ounce tub of dark chocolate peanut butter cups, a tub of ginger snaps, a bottle of syrah and a 6 pack of beer. Yes, I screwed up. And two days later, the peanut butter cups, ginger snaps, part of the bottle of wine and 2 beers are gone – eaten mostly by me, with a little help from my husband.

I felt awful after that first night of binging. I almost made myself throw up, but I hate puking even more than I hated what I had done.  But I didn’t, I went to bed feeling bloated and gross – mad at myself and not really feeling any better about the day than I had when I left the gym. Now I was not only frustrated, but feeling guilty about the food that I knew I shouldn’t have eaten. Wednesday would be better right?

Wrong…still frustrated, nothing resolved anywhere, got home from the gym and finished off the peanut butter cups and ginger snaps that were still sitting there staring at me. I am so ashamed of myself. I didn’t put all this crap I had eaten in my food diary, I didn’t put it in my daily email to Kari. I threw the evidence in the garbage as if not seeing it would make it go away.

I woke up on Thursday so mad at myself. I have been doing so well, was I really willing to throw it all away over stress? I knew I was emotional eating, and I know that doing this is a sure way to sabotage all of my success. I made it through the holidays while still losing weight, I went on vacation and only gained half a pound – I know what to do! Was I really going to let stress derail me?

Let’s be honest, we all do it. We all seek comfort in food or drink at some point. It doesn’t have to be stress related, or sadness, it can be from boredom too. I have caught myself standing in front of the refrigerator many times, or reaching for that bowl of chips on a table at a meeting, not because I am actually hungry, but because it is there and I need something to occupy myself.

I guess the trick is going to have to be finding something that gives you pleasure or makes you feel better when you are eating out of sadness or stress. Someone told me to have sex, as it makes the brain feel just as good as the chocolate or junk food. But let’s be honest, as good as that sounds, it’s not always an option. So what to do then? Maybe calling a friend and venting about the situation, maybe having a good cathartic cry, maybe getting in the kitchen and chopping the hell out of something – there has to be an answer other than comfort food! Any and all suggestions are more than welcome.

Bored eating is a little easier. DO SOMETHING! If you’re at a meeting and you’re bored, maybe it’s time to take the initiative to wrap the meeting up.

We are programmed from a young age that food brings comfort, and we all know that. We associate sweets with parties, and parties make you happy right? That bowl of chicken noodle soup that your mom made when you were sick made you feel better, at least psychologically. So it is natural that we turn to food for comfort, this is also why we have an obesity problem in our country. I think that for myself, I haven’t always been creative enough to come up with other ways of finding comfort, it’s always been food – even cooking it brings me a sense of peace.

Back to this week, I finally ‘fessed up to my trainer. Told her everything, even went so far as to figure out how many calories I probably ate in addition to what I told her. Let’s just say it was a lot…I got my workouts in, even though they are still modified, kept my food on track the rest of the week, even went to spin on Sunday morning. Thank GOD she is not just a trainer but a great friend, she didn’t judge, she didn’t criticize too much, just agreed with me that there has to be something besides food to improve my mood.

So there you have it, I screwed up and screwed up big time. Guess I will have to face the ultimate judge and jury – my scale – Monday morning.

So, it’s been just about a month since I last posted, and things have just been crazy!

It started with my mom and I getting into a car accident that totaled my car. Seriously people, don’t text and drive. We were very fortunate to walk away from the accident, still dealing with some soreness issues, hoping they aren’t going to be too serious. But my poor car is toast. And of course the car accident happened a week and a half before I was going on vacation, and my youngest daughter came home from college and my oldest graduated from college. Crazy month!!!

Really, it was the perfect set of circumstances for getting way off track. Between  vacation, missing a couple of workouts before vacation due to doctor’s appointments because of the car accident, and having to modify my workouts because of the pain in my neck and shoulder, the added stress of everything going on with dealing with insurance companies and celebrating my daughter’s graduation, I was sure that I was going to gain weight back. I was determined not to let it happen though. 

With all the chaos, the only thing I could control was myself. I can watch what I eat, I can still meal prep, I can not go crazy on vacation, I can get to The gym every chance I can – even if it’s modified. I have worked way too hard to let a little bit of chaos set me back at all. I mean, I still haven’t hit my goal weight, and that is going to happen dang it anyway! So that’s what I did, I controlled myself.

I meal prepped for every day I was working, I went to every workout I could, I even packed my breakfast for my vacation, and carefully read the menu when we went out. I asked how things were going to be cooked, had all the sauce on the side, and packed my running shoes so I could exercise on my trip. I am in charge of me, and no outside BS is going to stop me from reaching my goals.

I am happy to say that the crazy focus paid off. Since the Monday (my weigh in day) before the accident, I have lost 4.7 pounds. It hasn’t been easy – not gonna lie. But is anything worth it ever easy?

So I had a goal number and a date in mind, 150 by May 7th. Random date, meaningless except for the fact that is the day I had blocked off for going shopping for my upcoming vacation. But here it is, May 9th, and I didn’t hit it. In fact, I managed to gain 2 pounds this last week.

It was a pretty lofty goal, 52 pounds in 7 months, but I was determined. Now I am disappointed in myself, and trying to stay positive isn’t always easy. But I need to look at the bigger picture, I am only 10 pounds from that goal. That is still 42 pounds in 7 months, and that in and of itself is something to be proud of. I have worked my butt off to get here!

But still, I am really sad about this! I know that I am human and haven’t always been perfect with my food plan, but I really thought I was going to hit it. For every time I did screw up, there have been countless times I didn’t. I have hardly skipped any workouts, what the hell? Why didn’t it happen on my time scale? Where did I go wrong? Crap!

More than sad, I am mad at myself, I mean really at the end of the day, I screwed this up, all me. As I have said before, I am responsible for my own successes – and failures…It all comes down to me, and I have to accept that. Man, failure sucks, but what am I gonna do? Stop now? Give up on my goals? Quit after all the hard work I have put in?

OK Karin, let’s look at the positive side of things, you are a positive person, and have come so far – let’s review…

It was not quite two years ago that I was 220, with high blood pressure and was pre-diabetic. That me is gone, and my ultimate goal is that she never returns. I can honestly say that I am in the best physical shape of my life right now, and that is something else to be proud of. My cardio endurance is better, the visual shape of my body is the best it’s ever been, I am stronger than ever, and all of those things are just as important  – if not more important – than the number on the scale.

And while the disappointment is very huge, there is almost a small sense of relief too. I know, it sounds weird, but hear me out! For the last 7 months, my focus has been on losing the weight – what happens when I do? Do I shoot for a lower weight? I’m 5’8″, much lower and I will be too thin. Maintaining a weight sounds daunting and frightening, what if I screw up? I know I now have the tools to lose weight if I need to, but do I have the tools to maintain a healthy weight? For now, I don’t have to think about that.

This is really one of those times when I need to remember that I am more than a number on the scale and look at the bigger picture. I need to remember how far I have come, instead of focusing on how far I have to go. Instead of being disappointed, I need to celebrate the successes I have had, both on the scale and off. I have still lost 42 pounds in 7 months, and probably closer to 65 since I started working out at nearly two years ago, and that and my health are huge successes!

I will hit my goal weight, it is going to happen. So what if it didn’t happen on some arbitrary time scale that was in my head, the overall goal is to get there and maintain a healthy lifestyle so that I am never that unhealthy woman again. Breathe, move forward, and keep working on it, it will happen…