So I had a goal number and a date in mind, 150 by May 7th. Random date, meaningless except for the fact that is the day I had blocked off for going shopping for my upcoming vacation. But here it is, May 9th, and I didn’t hit it. In fact, I managed to gain 2 pounds this last week.

It was a pretty lofty goal, 52 pounds in 7 months, but I was determined. Now I am disappointed in myself, and trying to stay positive isn’t always easy. But I need to look at the bigger picture, I am only 10 pounds from that goal. That is still 42 pounds in 7 months, and that in and of itself is something to be proud of. I have worked my butt off to get here!

But still, I am really sad about this! I know that I am human and haven’t always been perfect with my food plan, but I really thought I was going to hit it. For every time I did screw up, there have been countless times I didn’t. I have hardly skipped any workouts, what the hell? Why didn’t it happen on my time scale? Where did I go wrong? Crap!

More than sad, I am mad at myself, I mean really at the end of the day, I screwed this up, all me. As I have said before, I am responsible for my own successes – and failures…It all comes down to me, and I have to accept that. Man, failure sucks, but what am I gonna do? Stop now? Give up on my goals? Quit after all the hard work I have put in?

OK Karin, let’s look at the positive side of things, you are a positive person, and have come so far – let’s review…

It was not quite two years ago that I was 220, with high blood pressure and was pre-diabetic. That me is gone, and my ultimate goal is that she never returns. I can honestly say that I am in the best physical shape of my life right now, and that is something else to be proud of. My cardio endurance is better, the visual shape of my body is the best it’s ever been, I am stronger than ever, and all of those things are just as important  – if not more important – than the number on the scale.

And while the disappointment is very huge, there is almost a small sense of relief too. I know, it sounds weird, but hear me out! For the last 7 months, my focus has been on losing the weight – what happens when I do? Do I shoot for a lower weight? I’m 5’8″, much lower and I will be too thin. Maintaining a weight sounds daunting and frightening, what if I screw up? I know I now have the tools to lose weight if I need to, but do I have the tools to maintain a healthy weight? For now, I don’t have to think about that.

This is really one of those times when I need to remember that I am more than a number on the scale and look at the bigger picture. I need to remember how far I have come, instead of focusing on how far I have to go. Instead of being disappointed, I need to celebrate the successes I have had, both on the scale and off. I have still lost 42 pounds in 7 months, and probably closer to 65 since I started working out at nearly two years ago, and that and my health are huge successes!

I will hit my goal weight, it is going to happen. So what if it didn’t happen on some arbitrary time scale that was in my head, the overall goal is to get there and maintain a healthy lifestyle so that I am never that unhealthy woman again. Breathe, move forward, and keep working on it, it will happen…